Still Standing

I have had no withdrawal symptoms return on my 5mg dosage. I have been away due to the flu season. But am feeling fine in time for the family holidays.

I was mulling all of this over while resting and it seems to me that I have proved to at least myself that my brain is becoming independent from antidepressants slowly but surely. I mean when I started to take the drug the doctor kept upping the strength, little did I know then that he went past the recommended dosage. I should have known better. But I trusted the doctor and believed everything he said without doing any research myself. I truly regret that. Even now I get twinges of fear because of the long time I have thought that I would have to be on this drug and suffer for the rest of my life.

What proved it to me is this tapering, research, and finding out all the alternatives out there for handling stress and grief and such horrific loss. Because something horrible happens does not mean we are doomed to taking a pill to get by and lose the depth of our emotions both good and bad to an even keel sorta of just existing.

On the nutrition front my wheatgrass is almost ready ... I have been doing research on that also.  My style of research it to look for the negative side and then the positive side and guess it is somewhere in the middle and then decide if it is worth it. It is so odd to me to read people objecting to wheatgrass or a natural remedy so passionately and defend a chemical drug that obviously causing harm.

Reading a comment on this heated debate a commenter said  "If a drug is able to change the brain chemistry for the good then why is it do hard to realize that it also change it for the bad.?"  And that is not even getting into possibly damages.

Another thing I thought about is when I started to doubt my doctor and actually went to other doctors to see what they though and one doctor wanted to put me on lithium and heavy duty drugs saying I had a Bi-polar illness? I had gotten 4 different opinions and they were miles apart not any two were close!!! That is when I realized this was all guessing ... maybe an educated guess due to history of talking to people but I was in shock. I looked up what Bi-polar was and I can honestly say that I was nothing like anything I read. I actually reported this to my doctor who said :"Wow, I work with one of the doctors and I am surprised that  he would come to his conclusions like that".

My doctor diagnosed me with secondary depression brought on my external circumstance and anxiety due to the circumstance (painful loss). At that time I was in so much mental pain and everyone around me was stepping away because they did not know how to console me. It was suggested that I see someone and a pill was offered and I was told that it would be temporary. It made sense to me at the time ... and now I am here 14 years later. I think when I was put on Lexapro my doctor knew he would never advise me to go off. I just don't think he is unaware about these withdrawals.

Now my next decision is to decide the next taper date (and yes I am quite concerned or scared even)  I have not yet been able to make it past 5mg. The next taper will be the first time I am able to make it past 5mg. Hopefully it will not be as bad because of the 10 percent taper instead of the 50 percent, and if it goes well the tapers might be able to go every 6 weeks... wow that would be great!

TooDazed